It’s love

I once again haven’t written in a long time. But it’s hard now because I work at an actual company and there are HIPAA guidelines I have to follow. I really can’t go into any detail at all regarding any of my kids. I can’t tell you their names or what they look like. I can’t tell you the things we work on. I can’t tell you much at all. 

But I can tell you that my biggest challenge has become one of my favorite parts of my day. I can tell you that I’ve had the opportunity to watch these kids make enormous strides and accomplish incredible things. I can tell you that one of my kiddos has Megan Day. And he waits for it. And he says “There’s Megan day!” When he sees the exit they take to get to me. And he saves his hugs all morning for me. 

And I can tell you that it’s been so challenging. And so frustrating. And there were times that I was pretty sure I couldn’t do it and wouldn’t survive it. But my kids are doing the coolest things and I get to say “Hey I taught him that!”, and that’s pretty damn awesome. 

So my plan B is working out immeasurably better than I could’ve ever hoped or dreamed. And the rest of my life is really falling in place too. And even if I never make $100,000 a year, or graduate with a masters degree, I have all of these kids and people who are so thankful for the accomplishments I’ve facilitated. And I am so incredibly proud of me, and them, and all of this that I’ve done. 

So I love them. And my job. Even on the bad days. Even on the worst of the worst days. These kids and this job have really taught me to appreciate the good days, and to hold on to that feeling when I’ll need it the most. And to remember that it always gets better.

And I am so happy, my heart might explode. 

Two years!

  I really have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it’s been two entire years since I met this amazing family and this incredible little girl. I can’t believe how insanely lucky I am to be able to play the role I am in her life and see her as much as I do. 

The last year has been filled with ups and downs beyond what I can even say. It’s been a huge year for this little lady. First off, MJ turned 5! She also had her tonsils and adenoids out in hopes of some better sleep, got hearing aids, went through cochlear implant surgery, had her implant turned on, and finally got a new, amazing, really awesome wheelchair. Oh and she’s grown. A lot. I can’t believe how much. Did I mention she’s still cancer free? 
On August 8th, Meredith heard my voice for the first time ever. I can’t even explain how amazing it is just to know she can hear me (and everything else) and to watch her reactions to all of the new things around her. It’s impossible to put into words. 

  
Over the last two years I’ve learned even more about myself through this 5 year old than I could’ve ever imagined. I’ve learned so much about the person I want to be and the things I want to do with my life. I’ve learned so much about love and how precious life can be.

More than anything, over the last two years, I’ve gotten to know Meredith. I’ve gotten to be there for the good and the bad. I’ve seen her at her best, and her not so great. I know her laughs and cries, her happy noises, sad noises, angry noises. I know when she’s going to give me a hard time during bed time. I know the little smirk she gives me just before she falls asleep. I know when she’s actually upset or just wants me to hold her. I know how incredibly strong MJ is, honestly the strongest person I know. And I know that no matter how hard I try, no “job” from here on out will ever be the same, because nothing could possibly compare to this. 

And I’ve loved her. So much. Every single day. For the last 730 days of my life. More than I’ll ever be able to find the words to say. More than I ever thought I could love someone who’s not even mine. Sometimes I think my heart might explode. 

And I’ve developed such a wonderful relationship with her entire family. You’ll have to take my word for it, but I think they might be some of the greatest people there are in this world. MJ’s big brother and sister make me laugh, keep me sane, and remind me that good kids exist. They are so smart and kind and loving. It’s been a pleasure watching them grow up. 

Over the last two years, because of one message on a babysitting website, I gained a second family. I am forever greatful, honestly eternally thankful to have these people in my life. To know them. To love them. 

It’s like winning the lottery, except better. 

Happy 2 Years, Meredith. Your Megan loves you so much. 

  

It’s not everything I expected

I wrote a while back that I had started an ABA Tech job with a company. That company ended up not working and I subsequently got the exact same job with an amazing company.

I’ve now been there for almost three months and while this is everything I’ve always wanted to do, it’s not exactly everything I expected it to be. It’s really hard. There’s a lot more to doing ABA than I ever thought. Anyone who is on the ABA Hate train really has no idea how much goes into it or how wonderful it is for kids on the spectrum. For the first two weeks of my job I was “shadowing” which is essentially watching the other ABA techs work with their kids, asking questions, and them explaining what they’re doing and why they’re doing it. I then went through a short phase of running programs with other Techs kids to get some practice before my kids start.

I’ve had my own kid for two months now and then received my other two kids about a month later. My first kid is giving me a major run for my money and ensuring he tests my patience every single day. I also experienced my first catastrophic violent meltdown, which, while wasn’t pleasant was an awesome learning experience. 

The thing is, it’s weird how you can be so absolutely 100% sure about something and be completely wrong. To say I was bummed about not being accepted into Grand Valley’s School Psychology program is an understatement. While I moved on to my plan B, which I’m currently living out, I was sure my entire life had been put on hold for a year while I waited to re-apply. Through this job I’ve gotten to see first hand what BCBA’s do and what their job is all about and it’s really not what I thought. It also isn’t really that much what I want to do. And while being an ABA Tech is wonderful and so unbelievably rewarding, it’s also one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I didn’t really imagine myself getting so frustrated at times, which is hard for me to admit. I pride myself on my patience with this type of thing. And then I was given my first kid, and everything I’ve ever known about myself and autism went out the window. He is hands down the most stubborn child I’ve ever met in my life. We’ve basically started from the bottom and taught him how to learn. He’s made absolutely amazing progress and we’ve been able to start teaching him some signs and I even taught him to say Hi and Bye. I think I can actually say that getting declined from Grand Valley was a blessing in disguise. At least right now. For me. At this point in time. 

What I know right now is I still have an imeasurable passion for helping children. I still have an immense desire to better the world for them. I will always always always work with children with special needs. I’m just not sure what pathway I’ll take right now or what the next two or five years has in store for me. For the first time in my entire life, I don’t really have an immediate plan. And as absolutely terrifying as that is, it feels kind of good to not have such high expectations for myself to meet. It feels nice. 

For right now, I’m challenging myself, I’m learning about life, love, autism and myself. I’m learning about the kind of person I want to be and not be. And I’m doing something I love. 

And that makes it all okay. 

What I learned from my parent’s divorce

I know you’ve seen the articles. You know like

http://www.scarymommy.com/articles/10-things-divorced-parents-should-do-to-avoid-fucking-up-their-kids?section=single-parenting

http://thoughtcatalog.com/maya-kachroo-levine/2015/01/15-reasons-children-of-divorce-are-terrified-of-getting-married/

oh and this one

http://thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-varon/2015/02/just-a-kid/

Take a minute to read those and then come back to me

Now forget everything you just read.

I don’t know where it came from, and I really really wish with all my heart that it would go away, but for some reason right now there is a huge fad/trend with the “my parents are divorced woe is me everything sucks I hate life”. It’s become a teenage fad to constantly complain about your parents divorce and even take it a step further to say that your life would somehow be better if they hadn’t gotten divorced. The second article goes through all the reasons why children of divorced parents are afraid to get married, and I think it’s complete and total crap.

My parents got divorced when I was in 2nd grade and up until then things weren’t real great either. They didn’t get along, fought a lot, and were overall just not happy. So my dad moved out and we went through the friend of the court and ended up with my mom having full custody and my dad having us every other weekend. I would be 100% lying if I said it didn’t suck not getting to see my dad every day. I would be lying if I said the divorce wasn’t extremely hard on both me and my brother. I would be lying if I said I never told my mom I wished they could be back together, when I was 8. However, I am 22 years old and a rational adult who can understand why things happen and why things need to happen. So here’s what I’ve learned from my parents divorce and why it in no way negatively impacts my life right now.

1. We are ALL happier.
I would say 100% of the time, divorces happen because someone isn’t happy. It’s also pretty logical to assume if one person isn’t happy, the other person isn’t happy. If neither parents are happy, they’re probably fighting a lot and then the kids aren’t happy. My parents did what they needed to do in order for my brother and I to have a better life. That meant being apart and not being married anymore. And guess what? My life turned out just fine.

2. Two holidays.
Silver lining? Two birthday parties, two Christmas’, two Easter’s, Two Thanksgivings, TWO OF EVERYTHING! I know some angsty teenagers would argue that they just wish they only had to have one of everything and that their parents could somehow magically get along so everyone could be at their birthday. That’s ridiculous, not logical, and never going to happen. Having two different Christmas’ each year just means I got to develop new traditions with each parent and enjoy one on one time with each of them. It meant twice the love, twice the presents, and the festivities go all day long. Not to mention, I would never force my parents to feel uncomfortable in the same room and in turn make everyone else uncomfortable. It’s not worth it and two parties is the most insane thing in the world to complain about.

3. Bonus Parents.
This isn’t to say that everyone’s step parents are going to be awesome. But for those of us lucky enough to be blessed with an awesome step parent, be thankful. My step dad has been my best friend since the day he walked into my life. He backs me up when my mom is being crazy, always took me to taco bell for dinner, and taught me how to swear in 6th grade. I could never and would never complain about having a second dad to love me.

4. Love.
The second article I mentioned infuriated me for this reason. Separate bank accounts are normal, married people even have them. Just because my parents marriage didn’t work out, doesn’t mean I don’t know what a functional marriage looks like. Just because children of divorced are more likely to also get divorced doesn’t mean I will. Push yourself not to be a statistic. Also, just because my parents got divorced doesn’t mean I won’t take marriage seriously. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I don’t doubt two people can spend the rest of their lives together… It literally happens all the time… This isn’t baggage, it’s just life.

5. My relationship.
My parent’s relationship or divorce in absolutely no way shape or form affects the relationship I’m in. I’ve learned a lot about how to love a person from my mom and my dad and they didn’t need to be together to teach me that. My dad taught me everything a gentlemen should be by treating me like I deserve to be treated and my mom taught me everything I needed to know about being a lady and how to make sure I get the love I deserve. My relationship is absolutely wonderful because he respects me, cares about me, takes care of me, and loves me the way I deserve to be loved. I also think it takes a whole lot of love for yourself to know when to walk away and when to fight and stay.

I once read a story about a dad who was an alcoholic. He had two sons. One son looked at his dad and thought he would never amount to more than what his dad was and grew up to also be an alcoholic. The other son looked at his dad and knew he could be better and grew up to have no addiction and be a great person.
The same principle applies. I can look at my parents divorce with a negative light and think I will never be better than that and I won’t. Or I can look at their divorce and know that I can do better and make better choices with my life. If I do end up getting divorced down the road, it won’t be my parents fault. Sometimes things just don’t work out the way we want them too, and that’s okay.

I’m still doing it

About a month ago, I wrote about the places I’m going. At that point in time, I wasn’t really quite sure where I was going, but knew without a doubt that it would be somewhere great.

A month later I am happy ecstatic to to announce that I have been offered and accepted an amazing position through a health care company doing exactly what I want to do for my entire life; Applied Behavior Analysis.

I have missed working with kids in the spectrum so much that it almost hurts. It’s been almost a year since I started working with Mr. M and over a year since I finished my work with my Autism Practicum class. While I have been working with Evan on social skills training, it’s not exactly the same as he is very much a “typical” 17 year old. 

I’m still going through training, which involves about 40 hours of online videos on everything I could ever need to know about Autism and HIPAA and so on. Once I finish I will go to an in office training and then I’ll be assigned my first case and begin ABA trials with a child 18 months-6 years old in their home. I am so so so very excited to begin this part of my journey. I can’t wait to watch this child I haven’t even met grow and learn. I can’t wait to use all of my schooling and training and everything I’ve worked so hard to learn. I can’t wait to live this life I’ve created for myself. 

It’s a wonderful feeling graduating from college with a job in your field of study and even more a job you’ve been dreaming about for 4 years. 

I love my life so much. 

Time…

A couple months ago I wrote a post about not spending my time and energy on negative people. And time has been on my mind more and more lately. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m really growing up. Maybe it’s because the kids I work with are growing up. Maybe it’s just because I’m being reminded every day how important it is.

But time. It’s so precious. It can happen so fast you don’t even have the chance to realize it’s happening. 

So spend your time on people that matter. Spend your days, minutes, seconds on people you love. On people who love you back. Make it count. Be happy. Do what you love. Be who you want to be. We only get so much time here, and I hate to say it but the clock is constantly ticking. I try to remember this even on days when I’m exhausted. I tell myself this when Meredith refuses to sleep or when she’s having a bad day and just wants to be held. She’s getting bigger and I only have so much time left to rock her and hold her and kiss her. There’s just only so much time. And it’s precious. Those moments are the moments I’ll remember for the rest of my life. So I cherish them. And I hold her a little tighter. And I kiss her little cheeks one more time. And I fall in love a little more…

So go spend time doing something you love. Spend time with someone who matters. Don’t waste it worrying about people and things that don’t deserve your time.

Make it count. 

Oh the places I’m going…

People have been reading me the book “oh the places you’ll go” probably since I started preschool. And it’s always been that I’m going to go to all of these wonderful places and do these amazing things and it just hit me, right now, at 10:36 on a Friday night that it’s happening. It’s not in the future. I’m going to amazing places and doing incredible things and it’s my life now.

It’s a really surreal and bittersweet feeling. Sweet because I’m doing great things, bitter because what I’m doing right now wasn’t my plan A. I didn’t plan on not getting into graduate school. I didn’t plan on having to take this year off. I’m not bitter about the way it’s happened because things do happen for a reason and it’s in no way going to stop me from doing great things or helping people or being the best person I can be. But it wasn’t plan A. It wasn’t my dream. And that’s okay.

So in two weeks, I graduate from College. I get to be the second person (after my older brother), to graduate from a university. And as much as it sucks that I don’t get to start school again in the fall and continue my education at Grand Valley, I refuse to let that take away from my day. I refuse to let myself feel like walking across that stage isn’t an immense accomplishment, because there were a lot of people who didn’t think it would happen.

I’m graduating. I did it. While working 4 jobs. While missing home. While taking hard classes. When I wanted to quit because it was too hard. I did it. But don’t let me fool you, I didn’t do this on my own.

I wouldn’t be here without my mom constantly pushing me my entire life to do things I didn’t want to do. Without her setting an example of the kind of person I want to be. Without her making me go to Grand Valley, which turned out to be the best decision I’ve ever made. I couldn’t have done it without weekly phone calls from my dad who constantly keeps me grounded and sane. Without my Meredith who reminds me that life is worth fighting for. Without the people who let me spend so much time with their kids, reminding me why I’m working so hard to do this. And without Andrew, the love of my life who just makes me want to be better. Because I’m getting this degree for them. For all of them. And for myself, because I’m going to make an amazing life for myself. Because I deserve that. Because I worked really damn hard for this.

So really. This was a team effort. I can’t even put into words how much I love my team.

What a year it was. What a life it will be.

I realize it has been far too long since I have written here, and I have an honest explanation, which boils down to me wanting to share big news, all of it, all at once.

I had visions of this amazing post about how wonderful last year was. About how absolutely full of love my life has been. About all of the good and bad parts of my life. But there were pieces missing and I desperately wanted to share everything at the same time. So here we go.

To say the last year of my life was the best I’ve ever had would be an understatement. I finished my Junior year of college at Grand Valley and embarked on new adventures as a senior. I enrolled in some really fun psychology classes along with sign language and some other classes I had been interested in taking. I finished my first semester and for the first time in my college career made the deans list. This may not seem like an extraordinary fact, except I am not a typical college student. I made the deans list while taking 15 credits, participating in 2 psychology research studies with professors at my university and obtaining 3, yes 3 jobs. I was extatic and immensely proud of myself for all I have accomplished in my life.

I am still taking care of the twins and baby J. As she gets older the days get longer and harder but they’re great kids and I love being able to take care of them. 

I am still employed at the Grand Valley Children’s Enrichment Center in the 2.5-3.5 age classroom.

Most importantly, I am still of course taking care of my Meredith, who has been making amazing progress and teaching me how to be a better person every single day. 

A couple weekends ago I spent the afternoon with Meredith and she decided to roll over multiple times by herself and hold her head up all by herself, it was breathtaking to see and I can’t wait to see the things she does to keep us on our toes this year. She is also on track to receive a cochlear implant this year, and I am patiently waiting for the day she hears me for the first time, ever. This little lady has shown me more about love and how to live life than anyone I’ve ever met and I am forever thankful for her and her family for allowing me to be such a big part of her life. Her big brother and sister have also done some pretty awesome things this year and I absolutely love watching them grow up into such loving, caring, and wonderful people. 

I have also recently taken on being a social skills coach for a 17 year old boy with aspergers. Because who doesn’t need 4 jobs while attending full time school? The kid is great, he makes me laugh, and he’s already making progress and teaching me just as much as I’m teaching him. I am unbelievably thankful for the opportunities I have been given by individuals in my community. 

The main reason I failed to write until now, is that on January 15th I applied to the School Psychology program at Grand Valley. It is a one of a kind perfect for me program. I soon after received a letter notifying me that I was given the opportunity to interview and I was elated. I purposely postponed this post, as I had dreams of this big reveal that I had been accepted. And I wish that I was writing this post to inform everyone that I was accepted and would be attending in the Fall, but unfortunately things don’t always work out the way we want them to the first time around and it just means we need to try harder next time. I am greatful for the chance to interview with the program. I still have an immense amount of respect for the women in charge of the program. And it is still my dream to receive that degree. But for now, I move on with my life. Just as a test does not define me, a rejection letter does not define me. It does not change who I am as a caregiver. It does not take away my dream. And rather than telling everyone that I made the choice to take a year off of school, I will be honest and admit I just didn’t get in, and I’m okay. 

The point of my life is not to get through it as fast as I can. It’s to enjoy every single second that I possibly can. It’s to be the best person I can possibly be, for myself, and those I love. I still have kids to meet and lives to change and the world to make better. My life isn’t over, it’s really just starting.

So I’m not sure where this year will take me. But I’m excited about the places I will go and the people I will meet and I can’t wait to share it, with all of you. 

http://www.facebook.com/ThisAbilityOfMine 

Thank you, really.

This is quite possibly the most unconventional thank you letter you’ll ever read. And that’s okay because that’s kinda my style.

Thank you,
To my elementary school teachers. Not for the education you gave me, or the love for learning, or for having my best interest in mind. But for doubting me every second of every day. For doubting my abilities. For doubting my capability to learn. For doubting the kind of person I might grow up to be. Thank you. Because by doubting me you pushed me to realize my true potential all on my own. You created a problem solver, a go getter, a do-er, an independent I don’t need you-er.

Thank you,
To the nasty girls in middle school who said I should kill myself. I’ve kept myself on earth, happy and healthy, thriving, working each day to be a better person. Just to spite you.

Thank you,
To my middle school gym teacher. Who told me I wouldn’t have friends in high school. Who gave me a D in gym because I couldn’t “sit still”. Who told me I would go nowhere in life. Look at me!

Thank you,
To the standardized testing for reminding me each year that statistics have no bearing on my existence. That I cannot be measured as a human, a student, or a caregiver by a test. That my life is more than numbers. That I can do absolutely anything.

Thank you,
To everyone who said I couldn’t do it, for everyone who rolled their eyes, for everyone who even for a second didn’t believe in me.
You’ve motivated me, to get to where I am today. You’ve pushed me to do better, to be better, to want better for myself. You’ve taught me the value of a good friend or a teacher who cares. You’ve allowed me to see the good in people because I know what it’s like when people only see the bad. You’ve helped me more than I could’ve ever hoped. And it’s funny how that works.
But thank you.

Thank you. So very much. But please read this…

In just one short week, my blog utterly exploded. I had a hard time keeping up with comments and emails, and I got my first glimpse of what it’s truly like for those “famous” blog pages and Facebook pages I so often follow. And I had a really hard time coming up with something to write, to follow the overflow of readers.
So I will start with this…

Thank you, all of you, so much for taking the time to read what I have to say. Thank you, for your kind words, your encouragement, and your support. I started this blog to document my adventures as an intern in my autism practicum classroom, but as I closed the book on that part of my journey, this has turned into so much more, and for that I am eternally greatful.

Some comments after Autism Speaks shared my blog left me feeling somewhat empty. And although I know that no one meant any harm or negative feelings with their comments, without fail a few of them sneak in.

One person commented:

“Yes…it is nice if you are looking at it from a window…how many of us reading and commenting are families or people who only “work” with it like teachers, rather than “living” EVERY SINGLE DAY with it like parents??? As a profession, of course, you can keep injecting passion and energy, but as a parent, the negativity never shifts to positivity…it shifts to “anger”… don’t agree??? Well ask all those parents who pay taxes, have to wait years for service, their problems are not recognized by the government or insurance, can never have a normal day for their rest of their lives,… yes…ask parents who live with it every day…”

I want to address this in the best way possible.

Yes, I provide respite care. I do not have a child of my own with a disability, or a child without one. I am not a parent of a child who met their milestones and at age 3 suddenly stopped talking. I’m not MJ’s mom and I didn’t watch her endure hours and hours of painful chemotherapy. I’m not with these kids every second of everyday.
But please don’t tell me I am watching from a window.
Doesn’t it say a lot that I VOLUNTARILY spend every single second of my free time taking care of children with significant disabilities? That I have the patience to sit for 20 minutes waiting for your child to touch his tongue to a carrot? That I willing spent my summer with a 9 year old boy who had absolutely no formal means of communication and took it upon myself to be his voice in the world? That I took every single smack and hit and claw with a smile on my face? That I want to do this for the rest of my life?
On Friday, I am willingly taking care of MJ and her siblings for 5 days. And it will be really hard. And I am 100% positive that I will appreciate everything her mom does that much more.
But don’t tell me that because I chose this as my profession, that I don’t feel every single bit of responsibility for these kids as their parents do. Or that I don’t know first hand what they experience every single day. Because I am right there with them, willingly.
And It’s hard. Really really hard. And it’s exhausting. And yes, when Mr. M was having a really hard time and every single step of the day was a struggle, I was frustrated. And I was sad, but for him not myself. And I was angry but not at him, just for the things he can’t control or for being trapped inside his mind.
But I have the power to make those days easier. And I have the patience to wait for endless amounts of time for progress. And I will be up at 3:00 in the morning when they refuse to sleep. And I made the choice to do everything within my power to make their lives better.

Doesn’t that count for something?

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